Rise and Fall

[ToaArcan]

Deep in the heart of the Mystic Ruins sat the long-abandoned Final Egg, a base structure used to construct one of the Doctor's greatest weapons, a cannon capable of inducing a Supernova. The device had been destroyed a few years ago, when the ship carrying it self-destructed, but there was no reason why he couldn't rebuild it in time.

As it was, the base was too obvious once it had been located, and Eggman had abandoned it long ago, leaving most of its contents where they were. As Sonic had attacked alone, he didn't take much with him, and simply returned home. The only thing missing was Metal Sonic, which remained active among the mad human's forces. However, it had not been the only robot in storage there. Finally, many moons after the location had been left, the final backup generator ceased to function. Systems all over the base went into shutdown, machines grinding to a halt, terminals going dark, and the second stasis container failing. The figure within slumped into its metal harness, servos groaning after years of inactivity. It shifted, visor lighting up in gold and crimson, straining as a bright crimson flash erupted from its body.

The cylinder shattered, glass and metal exploding outwards, shards peppering the walls. The harness incinerated, the droid slumped to its knees, head bowed. Its fists clenched, as it began to rise, placing one foot under itself, pushing its body upright. It stumbled forward, reaching out to brace itself against the opposing cylinder, which had once housed its older, smaller brother. It looked up, slowly taking in its own reflection.

Its head shaped into three streamlined quills, one at the top and two at either side, with a few smaller ones in between. Its face was expressionless, a single visor-shaped optic sensor, and a smooth, mouthless muzzle. Mecha Sonic stood himself upright, the engines in his back firing up, launching him through the ceiling. After so long, he finally hung in the night air, gazing out over the ruins below. The energies of Chaos rippled through his body, as it began to flow through him once more. 

A few warnings flashed up on his visor, a informing him of lower power levels, faulty parts, and various other maladies. Those would have to be fixed before he could get anything else done. Turning away from the sky, he rocketed off into the night.



***

Two years later, the North Pole


Reginald Marshall was a soldier in the Egg Army, holding the rank of sergeant. Currently, the bulky form of the Mobian horse stood on the lip of the Death Egg's hangar, looking down at the icy cliffs that the station had embedded itself in. The shield was down for maintainence, so the door had to be guarded. What exactly his laser rifle was supposed to do to a Freedom Fighter aircraft, he wasn't sure, but the Doctor was firm in his assessment that they would not need rocket launchers, and he wasn't about to argue. He'd seen the fate of those that disappointed their Master, and he was determined not to share it.

He shivered, not just from the thought of it, but from the cold. Even wrapped up in his multiple layers of winter clothing, the Arctic desert was a far cry from his familiar, warmer climates in Shamar, but he'd been chosen for the "honour" of Death Egg duty, and he wasn't going to refuse that either. Things like that made him wonder about the words of his Egg Boss. Nephthys had told him that the Freedom Fighters were a dangerous group, and in opposing Eggman, prolonged a war that would see the end of life as they knew it, with the doctor laughing triumphantly. And yet, he somehow doubted that Princess Sally would shove her friends into tiny, pitch-black boxes, unable to move but fully conscious, if they failed a mission. Or if she failed one and decided to shift the blame.

The sharp beeping of a radar roused him from his contemplation, and he looked over at the screen. A single target, racing toward them at high speed. Too small to be an aircraft, too fast to be one of the Freedom Fighters' fliers, at least as far as he'd been informed.

"Hey Rich, you seeing this?"  He shouted, turning out toward the tundra again. He tapped the metal side of his face, trying to get his cybernetic eye to focus. It had been sticking in the cold, not being designed for temperatures this low, but it broke free and zoomed out toward the likely location of the blip.

"It's on the radar, what is it, Reggie?" One of his comrades, an eagle, yelled back. 

"I'm trying to get a bead..." Finally, his eye picked something up. A blue figure, perhaps a head taller than him, a column of crimson fire driving him forward. "Looks like a blue bot or suit of some kind. Kinda hedgehog-shaped..."

"One of Lord Eggman's?"

"I'm not sure, looks better-made than his..."

"Heh, don't let 'im catch you sayin' that!

"Feh, I'm not scared. What does he care about us? We don't matter to him until we fail." Reginald shrugged. "It's closer now... Yeah, no way that's a suit. THe proportions are all wrong. It's got a sort of visor-face, though... Weird."

"Alright. I'mma go call this thing in. Might be a problem." Rich stood up and walked out of the room. "Won't be ten minutes."



No more than a minute later, the figure landed with a heavy clang, before rising to its feet. Reginald coughed, wafting away the smoke from its engines, in time to see the newcomer staring at him. The machine had a masculine build, mostly encased in cobalt blue plate armour, with just his chestplate, muzzle, upper arms, cuffs and fingers being a paler blue, and his thighs, palms, and soles being black. Across the bottom of his upper torso ran a bar that held the same colours as his visor, crimson with a gold core. Its legs were long and bulky, its arms the same, and its shins and back contained rocket engines.


"Is the Doctor in?" His voice was deep, smooth, and not at all like a typical mindless automaton.  "I need to see him."

"Sorry, he's busy with his Egg Bosses, so he won't be disturbe-"

"I know, I want to see them too. That's why I came now." He waved his hand dismissively. Reginald growled at the machine's impudence, pointing his rifle at him. Wouldn't do anything with the safety on, but it might convince the machine to back off.

"Even if you do want to, we don't just let anyone in!"  He narrowed his eyes. "And how did you know about the meeting?"


The robot stared at the weapon for a moment, before casually swiping it. Heturned it over in his hands briefly, testing how well it fit, before squeezing it, mangling it into an unusable shape, casually tossing it over the side of the fortress. Reginald didn't hear it hit the bottom. The robot turned toward him fully, stepping closer, as it stared down at him. He gulped, one hand instinctively going to his holdout pistol.

"Surely, you must be aware of how lax the security is? How simple it is to get into the systems?"  He folded his arms behind is back, head tilting slightly. The horse stroked his chin, metallic fingers grooming his beard. It was true, the droid was correct about the computer security. The vast majority of computers in the Eggman Empire used simple, easy to guess passwords, often the word itself with a number.  "I just logged in checked the schedule." He shrugged. Despite the lack of mouth, Reginald practically felt him smiling.

"Who are you?"

"I am Mecha Sonic, a creation your master abandoned. I awoke from stasis when his Final Egg Base lost all power, and I've spent two years watching his "Empire" while I repaired and upgraded myself." He replied, spreading his arms. "Suffice to say, I'm not impressed. And you are?"

"Uh, Sergeant Reginald Marshall. I joined up because my region's Egg Boss, helped us. She says that, if we work with Eggman, we'll be better off than prolonging the war and getting more people hurt."
"In your specific region, perhaps, but to the rest of the world, you're traitors and quislings, siding with the tyrants to save your own necks."
"Nephthys has the local Freedom Fighters on her side, people believe in her."
"And who is more foolish? The fool, or the fools that follow her?" The android sounded smug. He snapped his fingers, and Reginald's cybernetics jolted, his entire body locking up, freezing in place. "You're probably wondering what's happening, how I can trigger your failsafe... Well, with a system as poorly-defended as Eggman's, it was easy to find the killswitch. Then it was just a case of copying the signal and sending it."

He circled around to Reginald's side, putting one hand on his shoulder. "It's a shame, really. You've shown some level of intuition, but I have no need for the gullible and the easily led."

With that, he gave a push, sending the horse's locked body over the edge of the hangar, watching him plunge into the frozen abyss, before turning back toward the exit, stalking out of the hangar into the corridor. 

The warren of tunnels, passages, and hallways would've been a nightmare for an organic, and even the soldiers, who had been given maps, struggled. Mecha Sonic, however, had the complete plans in his processor. The design was hardly a practical one, deliberately designed to funnel an invader toward a large central room. The paths toward the areas like the bridge and the engine room were hidden, made to look less like the way to important parts of the station. The whole thing was a giant maze with an arena in the middle. A trap for the Freedom Fighters. But he was no Freedom Fighter, and he knew exactly where to look.

"HALT." He looked up from his musings to see a line of Eggpawns pointing their oversized blasters at him. His shoulders sagged slightly at the sight of the newer machines. 

"These are what he uses now... A bunch of children's toys." He raised a hand toward them, bypassing their meager defences and lodging his own programs in their processors, blue optics turning crimson. "Still, for now, they will have to suffice, and destruction would be a waste of material."

The robots fell into step behind him, escorting him up to the elevator. With the new entourage, he passed by without a second glance. He looked to be just another part of the scenery. The sign on the door read "Conference Centre" in binary- At least there was some indication of where the correct path, and it would be infinitely more useful once he was finished. As the doors slid open, he sent a mental command to the Egg Pawns.

'Stay here. Allow no-one to enter or exit until I am finished.' With that, he stepped inside, and found himself being propelled straight upwards. He lowered his head slightly, pausing for the brief moment of quiet. The day had been coming for so long, that his waiting and rebuilding could finally come to fruition. Everyone he needed to remove or change in one place. All the pieces on the board, so to speak. He looked at his own hands for a moment, clenching them into fists. 'Prepare yourself, my old master...'



***

In the conference room itself, Eggman placed himself at the head of the table, with the twelve Egg Bosses lined up on either side of the table. Orbot sat beside him, holding a screen, as the rotund scientist addressed his underlings.

"Welcome, my loyal servants, to the Death Egg!" He spread his arms wide. Reactions were varied. Most of the group looked suitably awed, Maw seemed to be grinning, while Clove and Nephthys looked apprehensive, Conquering Storm looked completely unamused, and Thunderbolt had an expression that he'd rather not inquire about. "I trust you're all comfortable?"

"Uh, boss, we're getting reports of a disturbance, and the cameras-"

"Silence, Orbot, there are more important things to discuss." Eggman pressed the spheroid robot's head down. "What do you all think?"

"It's certainly impressive..." Clove began.

"It's simply perfect! A magnificent testament to your genius, Doctor!" Thunderbolt interrupted. The pronghorn frowned at her, but before she could so much as clear her throat, Maw joined in.

"Indeed. With a weapon like this, no-one will dare challenge us."

"Boss, I-"

"I must admit, I do have some concerns about the application." Nephthys spoke up. "This is the third Death Egg, is it not? The previous two did not exactly deter the hedgehog..."

"A good question, Nephthys, what makes this one better than the last ones? Simple: The shield cannot be penetrated by their aircraft." Eggman grinned.

"In theory." Orbot cut in. "Boss, I really must-"

The diminutive robot was cut off when Thunderbolt threw her coffee mug at him, knocking him off the table.

"The station is very impressive, Doctor, but why did you call us away from our fronts to visit this place." Conquering Storm tented her fingers.

"I thought it was necessary to bring you all here, so you can see the nerve centre of the empire. The ground base is something that can be invaded by the Freedom Fighters and their allies, whereas this station requires aircraft to even reach, and, as I just explained, such an effort is futile."


"All well and good when the station is flying, Doctor." The voice echoed from the corridor, as the door to the room slid open. "But alas, you are currently still grounded, with the shields down."

"Who is that!?" Hood's eyes widened.

"Why did the door open!?" Eggman roared.


A cold, harsh, grating laugh filled the air, followed by the sound of heavy, leaden footsteps, clunking ever closer. Slowly, the glowing visor and chest of Mecha Sonic became visible from the gloom, and Eggman began to hear someone panicking, trying to break himself free.

"I... don't believe it..." The doctor stood up slightly. "Mecha Sonic?"

"So you do remember me..." The robot replied, stepping into view, his right hand gripping the head of a flailing Cubot. The door slid closed behind him, locking itself.

"Why are you active?"

"The power in the Final Egg failed, and my stasis container deactivated, allowing me my freedom."

"And you came straight here to rejoin, I imagine." He relaxed back a little.

"No, I got out two years ago. Since then, I've been waiting, watching, rebuilding myself, seeing how your Empire has progressed." He replied. "The verdict: Disappointing. Wasting your time with soldiers that fight amongst themselves, or fail to grasp the core requirements of their mission. Those that serve you for ulterior motives, and would ditch you in a heartbeat if another side offered them the same. And your creations... My... siblings... How are you meant to conquer anything with the most recent crop?" 

"Mecha Sonic,-"

"This one, for example." He hoisted Cubot up. "A defenseless, lazy, stupid machine that serves no purpose beyond providing half-baked criticism of your plans, which you immediately dismiss. In other words, a worthless waste of time and resources." He tightened his grip, metal screeching and crumpling, until, with a sharp crunch, the smaller robot's head compacting into a small lump, optic sensors popping out between his fingers. He dropped the limp machine to the ground, stepping over it. 

"How dare you insult your Master!" The pompous statement came not from the Doctor himself, as he had expected, but the small robot beside him. Thunderbolt hopped onto the table and began to storm toward the cobalt droid, teeth bared, sparks flying around her. She tensed, electricity arcing out at him, but none of it even darkened his paint, rippling over him without any effect. As she closed the gap, he raised one hand, and snapped his fingers.


Immediately, the flow of power stopped, and the chinchilla's body locked up, arms frozen by her sides, face twisted into a terrified silent shriek. He reached down, and picked the tiny Mobian up. 

"I could crush you just as easily... But I'd rather not make a mess." He casually flung her away, keeping his optic trained on the others. She flopped stiffly to the ground, unmoving.

"WHAT!?" Eggman roared, as the other bosses began to rise, preparing their weapons. "How did you-"

"Come now, Doctor... With security as lax as yours, getting into your systems to recover the code was child's play. In fact..." He snapped his fingers again, and immedately, the other eleven Egg Bosses became frozen in place. "Far be it for me to question tactics, Doctor, but I do believe that using a device which can cripple every single one of your soldiers via wireless signal is not a good plan. Imagine the chaos that would've resulted if Nicole had found it."


Eggman recoiled, as his predicament became frighteningly apparent. He was trapped in the room with Mecha Sonic, with only Orbot for protection. He had but one card that he could play, but if he did, unfreezing the bosses would likely be a bad idea. Fortunately for him, however, the mechanical hedgehog continued talking. Perhaps he could stall a little...

"Of course, your tactical prowess has always left something to be desired.You have no grasp of the subtle and quiet, everything must be done with as much spectacle as possible. In your mind, there's no point in doing anything if they don't know it was you. Everything needs a whole army of people dressed like you to march in, as far as you're concerned. All that does is advertise your presence to the Freedom Fighters, and that is why you fail. So many plans would've suceeded if you'd done it covertly, but you didn't... Because what you want, really, is to fight Sonic. And that's all that truly matters to you. You wouldn't know what to do with yourself if you actually succeeded."

"And what, exactly, do you intend to do after lecturing me?" Eggman straightened his moustache.

"I think I'll take over. You will be scanned and disposed of, your soldiers will be vetted, reprogrammed, and restructured. The Death Egg will be a decoy, while I work on my plan underground."

"Hm, I see... Well, in that case... Orbot... Activate Failsafe Level X." He would have to do it. THe one way he had to stop this machine from taking everything that was rightfully his. Not that it would really matter in the long run, but finding replacements would be difficult.

"But boss-"

"Do it!" Eggman shouted. "Now, Mecha Sonic, if you don't stand down immediately, and allow yourself to be reprogrammed, I will trigger Level X, and you will die."

"Oh, really now?" He titled his head.

"Yes! Did you honestly think paralysis was as far as the failsafe went? That's merely Level 1, a punishment for failure. Level 2 is a memory wipe, useful in the event that I need to prevent an interrogation. Level 3 burns out the subject's brain, an excellent way to dispatch traitors. And Level X is a powerful cherry bomb!"


Mecha Sonic laughed again, metal hands clanging together. "I know. I just needed you to explain it for your twelve friends here. THey wouldn't have believed me, but now they have it straight from the horse's mouth."

"It changes nothing!" Eggman grinned. "Ask yourself, Mecha Sonic. Do you want to be in here when all twelve of them go off?"

"Do you?"


He froze, as the robot began to laugh again. That one very obvious point, likely what Orbot had tried to warn him about. Mecha Sonic was between him and the door, and even if he wasn't, he was much faster. 

"Which of us is more likely to survive if you do trigger it? You, the soft and squishy humanoid, or me?" He asked, raising his hand again. A bolt of energy rippled out of his palm, as Orbot's cranium blossomed into a fireball. "Especially now that I am the one with his finger on the button? Deactivating Level X."

"Are there any other things you wish to lecture me about?" Eggman growled, as his wayward creation stepped up onto the table, and walked down it, grabbing him by the collar and pulling him out of his seat. "Perhaps you can tell me how you went from being just another of the very failures you reamed me over, to being the apparent authority on leading an empire and fighting a war."

"It happened when Snively reactivated me. After I destroyed his EggRobo suit, I came in contact with the Master Emerald, and it empowered me... But it changed things. It introduced illogic to my systems... and finally, I could think outside of the box. You programming was no longer my end-all-be-all... I became sentient, and now wield the power of Chaos myself. That is something that did not fade when you rebuilt me. With that capacity, my logic functions became that much more defined, and no longer limited in their applications. I could address any issue, not just the ones you provided. And that was why I studied you. So I could see where you failed, and account for that in my own schemes." He threw his creator to the ground, standing over him. "That is why I will win in the end. Your theatrics and need for attention are things I do not have. By the time the Freedom Fighters know that I am here, my plan will have already been completed, and they will by mindless automata."

"I knew that little goblin would be the death of me..."

"Oh, but he won't. You'll die in battle, when, in your Empire's final stand, your ejection systems fail, and your mech explodes with you inside it." The robot crowed. "It has to be convincing, after all, when you disappear. They'd investigate if this place just exploded overnight."


He turned on his heel, looking down at the paralyzed Egg Bosses, arms folding behind his back.

"I know all of you can hear me. Fret not, I will not harm you, nor any that happen to be dear to you. In fact, no harm will ever come to them again. I will remove their ability to become ill, hungry, elderly, or otherwise infirm, all will become steel. In turn, I shall remove their capacity to harm each other. Freedom is a burden, and it shall be stripped away from all. You shall be my first twelve." He spoke. "However, I do believe a name change is in order. I am no mere copy of Sonic. I am above him, in every way. Hence, I shall now be known simply as Metallix, and you are all part of my brotherhood. I'll speak to you all after your... reconditioning."

 

 

 

 

*** *** ***

 

 

Well, this appears to be the first story post on the site. This is the first and only of my stories set after the reboot of the Archie timeline, everything else I've done is set pre-SGW. I wrote in response to how dumb I thought the whole "Eggman Empire" thing got in the comics. Initially, I'd wanted to use Metal Sonic for the role, but I always wanted to do something with Mecha Sonic, as well as address the misconceptions about the second robot in Final Egg's lobby in SA1. My decision to use him was solidified this peice of art: http://cerberean.deviantart.com/art/Worthless-toys-499029448 and that gave rise to this take on him. I imagine him sounding a lot like James Spader's Ultron. 

 

Hope you enjoy. I've got some minimal ideas about expanding this, but for now, nothing concrete.

[ByTor, Prince of Ro’den]

Been reading it and will have a full review for you in a couple of days.

[TheRedStranger]

Group is currently reviewing your material.

[TheRedStranger]

Formal Review: 
 
Description/Style:
 
    The main catch of ToA Arcan’s Rise and Fall is the rather skillful use of rich and active prose. Many amateur writers rely on very passive and listless phrases such as “he was being,” cheap adjectives like “great” and “awesome,” and above all monotonous, over-used verbs like “walk, is, and says.” The writer generally dodges those amateur mistakes prose-wise. Early into the story the reader is treated with some rich flowing alliteration like “mouthless, muzzle.” In addition to such is a strong verb usage such as: “Chaos energies rippling,” “groaning servos,” and the gruesome head crushing of a specific character later in the story. All together such prose enriches the story with memorability and summons the imagination into action as the reader’s eyes scan the page.
 
There are some gaffes however though, the first two paragraphs especially run stale and need a stronger stylistic start. The prose here is inhibited and unsure, focusing on straightforward exposition like “the mad human.” The writer seems to struggle with setting up scenes descriptively, leaving the reader questioning some vague elements rather than being smoothly transitioned through the progressing narrative. On top of that there are moments of lost momentum where character descriptions and their reactions grow rather sparse, which fast forwards the pacing and blurs the sense of visuals (sometimes almost breaking the logical flow of the story as well).  A good example is the scene with Eggman and his Egg-bosses. There is very little prose dedicated to key us into the characters and they feel more like peripheral props which blur in the reader’s eyes. Also, readers, even though being Sonic fans, could be less familiar with some of these characters (Nephthys, Clove, and Conquering Storm) than the writer, leaving them confused over who they are or what they are like. Even with that said, the author is forfeiting his opportunity to describe these characters as he sees them. If the writer slows down to focus the descriptive narration and establishes the tone and setting of each scene, the story can grow drastically more immersive and evocative to its readership. The first step to that (rather than dumping in thick swaths of monologue from Metal) is to energize the beginning and thicken the prose when it comes to character descriptions and actions, settings, and the distinct emotional tone of each scene.   
 
Pacing/ General Narrative:
 
    Biggest problems when it comes to pacing show right up on the first page. The set up drags and then suddenly shifts in a bizarre, choppy fashion. There is no focus, especially when pertaining to a definite point of view. It uses personal, seemingly internal language when describing Eggman and a previous struggle, but then also reads like a dry wiki article about something called the “Final Egg” which can magically create a “Super-nova.” This overall first paragraph sounds like a jarring bounce between the personal 3rd Person Limited perspective and a more distant 3rd Person Omniscient. But on top of this change is the absurd logic behind what must be the most counter-productive war machine ever devised. This is quite the throbbing head-scratcher for a reader. Is Eggman trying to destroy the whole solar system, along with himself? These subsequent questions throw the pace off even more.    
 
The first paragraph is the second crucial part of a story; the first part is the quality of the very first sentence. Both must interplay and flow smoothly to subconsciously establish for a reader the main voice of the work (PoV), the tone, and descriptive content that initiates the narrative. So far we start with a zany cartoon like weapon of omnicidal mass destruction that is being factually described to us then possibly personally described through the internal perspective of Eggman. Such a setup suffers and in turn comes off as stylistically bipolar, being both encyclopedic and somewhat biographical. Only a handful of vested readers would make it to the second paragraph after this. Others would be tempted to browse elsewhere on the onset of such a story, all of them assuming the rest of the content would be equally this uneven. Yet for those who would make it this far, they could expect more of a dry historical recap followed by a stilted thrust into two years in the future from a position already describing the past with very little present movement except the quasi-dramatic reboot of a mysterious machine. Though this was given a whole prologue worth of set-up, this will be spoiled by the author within the fourth paragraph as Mecha Sonic. Such a reveal thieves the story of potential and distorts the tone of the story into a series of matter of fact anticlimaxes from here on through this starting chapter.
 
 Overall this prologue hamstrings the pacing and jolts the readers,  disconnecting them with the story in the most crucial time to hook them into the narrative.  It should probably be eliminated entirely. To make the introduction of Mecha Sonic more surprising and fearsome, I would strongly suggest starting the perspective from the eyes of someone disempowered and more sympathetic like Reginald Marshall. We see a brief attempt at such with him and his Eagle ally, as we see this horse Mobian struggle in the cold, pondering his precarious place in this war. Despite that, we are not told many names here. The pacing seems to hurling towards Mecha Sonic, character and scene-establishment be damned. What we get from such is the unsurprising return of Mecha-Sonic without much tension or concern for these newly introduced characters.  Instead of connecting to these characters and sensing the dread of a rogue Mecha Sonic through their eyes. Their whole potential is gunned down as cannon-fodder from a Star-Wars referencing super-being that cannot be challenged and thus exterminates any sense of conflict.        
 
 The tension grows even more lax and turgid as we move on. With all of Eggman’s Egg Bosses conveniently crammed in one proverbial egg basket, Mecha Sonic breezes through and scrambles them all sunny-side up. Sadly Metal forgets to add salt and spice to this scene and it ends up tasting rather bland to the readers. Metal’s monologues are bit too long on the broil, burning up any chances for conflict in the scene. We do get a satisfying bite of action in seeing Eggman counter with his cringe-worthy “cherry bomb” threat and the cathartic butchering of Orbile and Cubot. Ironically, in the end they served as comedic relief more at the threshold of the grave in the blackest of spades than they ever did in their oh so colorful lives. This was some wondrous schadenfreude to those who disdain these hit or miss characters from the official series.  I personally read these lines aloud to the sound of applause from the readership as I began this review. This is sure to get a kudos from the large swaths of fans who find these characters as the scrappy-doos of Sonic lore. Though it might be a tad divisive, but it would be wise for the writer to keep it (mayhap ham it up even more.) Regrettably as the smoke clears and threats were beach-balls back and forth, a bad aftertaste sets up, quickly souring the scene. Mecha monologues, and monologues, and monologues. There is so much monotonous monologue that monologuing mecha-sonic monotonously monologues about how Eggman mindlessly monologues, revealing him to be the meandering megalomaniacal monologuer he truly is through the powers of hypocrisy, the nigh monotheistic weight of Mecha’s own monologing might. And yes, reading that sentence is just how you feel through that scene. There is a heavy focus on Mecha’s criticism and every other character just becomes living scenery for him to chew on as he hams up his invincibility in the lime-light. Because of this the scene ends up being gristly, bitter, and leaves the reader with more of a panging sense of ponderous indigestion than cathartic satiation. With a lack of tension and conflict Mecha Sonic saps the appetite for a possible subsequent chapter, even though there is an attempt of build up and foreshadowing.
 
 In light of everything aforementioned, one can diagnose that pacing is the second needed biggest fix to this story. Overall, the lack of time spent on the characters as persons contrasted with an over-focus on Mecha’s Sonic’s predictable, plodding, and pedantic counters and criticisms of everything Eggman is what poaches promise out of the pacing as whole. Though we have tit for tat tension in the tactical counters between Eggman and Mecha, the pay-off is identical to the last scene and the scene before that: Mecha Reingald like an egg salad, cracks the Eggbosses like a sledgehammer to an eggshell, and then casually unyokes the Eggman himself. He serves up all potential antagonists in an omelet through this story with the ease and grace of Chef Ramsey hyped on Adderall.  He wins no contest - flawless, boring victory. To make this story truly worth taking a second bite out of, this perfect pattern has to be scraped out of the pan.  A good start would be to focus on the main character and avoid needless exposition and streamline the start into one contiguous scene. Nixing the two year wait would add urgency. Having Mecha burst out and recall/and compile the prior information whilst struggling through a conflict would lead to a more moving beginning to hook the readers. There is a major lack of urgency and the hair-raising vulnerability such evokes.  
 
Characters:
 
 Though Eggman might be hardboiled and the rest of the cast undercooked, Mecha is surely the most rotten ovoid of the bunch. Reingald has the powerful potential to be a sympathetic character with a uniquely, vast standpoint about the world around him. From the vulnerable sticking of his cybernetic eye in the cold, to the familiar and casual dialogue with his colleagues, to his own doubts that he’s on the right side of a war, Reingald is the perfect character to hook a reader into a story. His emotions and perspective eliminate any need of this work’s starting encyclopedic exposition.  His perspective is both informative and retains a sympathetic vulnerability. The Mobian is looking up at two clashing forces like mountains in the distance, he can see them clearly from where he’s at and yet knows how massive they are. One quake, one quaint rumble the wrong way from either side, or an avalanche will sweep right over his head. We start with him guarding the ruinous, rusting hulk of a frozen death machine in a global war, whilst on a side that could easily torture or annihilate him if he strutted one hoof out of line whilst fighting a hostile force that deems him complicit to villainy. This is all intriguing! This is all so relatable!  This is how the first paragraph should have started; it’s both informative and empathetic! Too bad he dies right out of the gate, cast off by the critical killjoy that is Mecha Sonic… With this cold-blooded butchery comes the death of most of this stories narrative promise. We are given this perspective character only to have the focus forced back on our sterile villain protagonist. Everyone else briefly mentioned in this scene (such as  Rich the Eagle) is denigrated to a measly piece of scenery for this melodramatic mechanization to chew upon. His callous and villainous nature is as subtle as a neon sign, to the point he is neither nuanced nor even relatable. What you see with Mecha is what you get, a nagging supremacist with an arbitrary chip on his shoulder. Despite his conceited demurs and shallow sociopathy, there is not much to this character. He’s simply a negativized carbon copy of Omega from Sonic Heroes who can’t stand that he was discarded. Unlike Omega though who reaches out to others and is capable of bonding and growth, Mecha proves himself to be cold as the arctic waste surrounding him as he tosses Reingald to his death. He never offers Reingald a chance to join him; he seemingly does not need anyone after all. And yet paradoxically, he’s angry at being discarded by others. This assumes a want to be needed, and subsequently a want for others. Instead of subtly demonstrating such like with Omega in his official introduction, this version of Mecha proves himself to only be hell bent on being a living crucible in which to sauté the inferior Eggman and his measly empire. With another swing and a miss, Mecha strikes out when he seems to disregard any relation to whoever was adjacent to him whilst in stasis. He has no interest as to what happened to his “little brother.” Such oddly specific familial language connotes some sense of intimacy, yet none of this is ever demonstrated in the character throughout the whole chapter. There seems to be a phantom of a stronger and more unique motivation unrealized in this introduction of the character. Making him grieve over the loss of his “brother” would make him less of a soulless, dispassionate machine.  
 
As the story progresses to the confrontation with Eggman, Mecha’s pedanticism makes him more and more obnoxious to the reader. There are moments he seems to be more of nauseating know-it-all nitpicker than a personable villain. Being more preachy than a priest on Sunday, he dismantles Eggman’s get up and steal the scene yet again. Though his killing of Orbile and Cubot can be quite enjoyable, it does not make him more likeable. It has the same effect as them dying in an accident, Mecha just kills them because he is a cruel impersonal force of sociopathic angst.  He has no actual beef with those robots other than their inferiority; he just kills them the way he needlessly killed Reingald. Why he spares an equally inferior Thunderbolt “not to make a mess” makes less sense. To Mecha the two machines and Thunderbolt alike have proven themselves to be as equally as useless. The slap-down and death threats to this tiny female chinchilla are also deeply cringe-worthy. Mecha by now is surely hated by the reader, but there is little investment for the reader to stick around to hope he gets justice. He so far is the protagonist character and has shown no weakness, this runs the risk of having the reader leave out of frustration. A mix of women beater, cold blooded killer, and Villain Sue is enough to make many readers prematurely part or at least feel that the character incredulously defeated in a future far-coming pay-off. In addition to such, there follows the issue that Metal will continue to overshadow the characters and world around them, leaving the reader even more divested. Just in this scene with Eggman alone, Thunderbolt, Nephthys, Clove, Conquering Storm, and Eggman, are blurred and muted to make way for Mecha and his long-winded lectures on how stupid Eggman and his plans are.  They exist only as obstacles of Mecha Sonic’s incessant preaching about how he became so amazing in comparison to all of Eggman’s other minions and creations. If things can continue in this narrative direction, the reader has much more character defacing to dread. In comparison to Mecha, readers can only expect official characters to become uncharacteristically flimsy both in body and mind in comparison to this shining Mecha star which they know orbit. The forming of the Mettalix is the ensuing sterilization of much more characters and story elements to come. Long live king Mecha Sonic; rest in peace Rise and Fall one has supplanted the other.    
 
  
Grammar Details: In comparison to a myriad of other original Sonic works, the writer has really stood out above many when it comes to grammatical gaffes. There are a handful of caps-lock problems and some formatting issues. Many times words are needlessly bolded to have a bellowing look (rather than telling us through prose). Italics are used generally to serve such a purpose as they are more subtle and less distracting to process of reading the lines of text. What really makes this confusing though is how it is inconsistently traded off between characters, making it initially confusing on who is talking (this is mainly seen at the start of the Eggman and Mecha scene).   
 
 
 
Analysis:
 
            Reading in between the lines for Rise and Fall is a bit underwhelming. Exegeting the subtext is effortless simply because of how blatant it can actually be. Mecha, the story’s nigh literal show-stealer, is like a sheet of titanium and so is his story. He’s impenetrable, but he’s not very thick and thus his whole narrative is rather flimsy so far. Thematically Rise and Fall flirts with some deep thoughts but struggles with the character focus to actually convey them. Reingald’s perspectives on the war and his personal situation as a cyborg bound to a power structure he doubts had a lot of thematic possibility, but sadly it was aborted to make way for Mecha’s sophistic narrative. Mecha’s story is one of thematic deprivation, a black hole for any deep meaning to the story. It takes away more than it gives, though it could have been (and still can be) so much more. For example, Mecha supposedly had a fallen “little brother” yet there is no sense of loss or any filial themes explored.  Sentience was also gifted on Mecha (though is not shown to us; the reader is merely told and never given the chance to experience the momentous event.) Mecha also has a deep sense of wanting to belong and feel wrongfully ostracized and forgotten. The sad thing about this character is that he is too untouchable, removing any chance for him to grow existentially. He is never given the opportunity of being unsure or wrong, everything conveniently works for him. Every point he has can be backed. There is no avenue in which he can actually satiate that sense of want, nor does the writer allow his needs as a new sentience to ever be really regarded. Mecha ironically should be the most vulnerable, soul searching character in this story. He is like a child new to the world, born into war and built for war. His first moment of sentience is next to the empty womb of his seemingly dead “brother.” There is so much to work with here. There is so much to play off with Reingald as well, the want to be needed and the need to be wanted is something Reingald obviously feels as well as a member of Eggman’s army (even to the point of being a  partner in a fight he does not fully believe in). Instead we have Reingald dead in a choppy prologue and Mecha vanquishing his duplicitous father figure with unquestioning ease. There is nothing meaningfully gained in the story, there is nothing meaningfully given. All the answers are there (hack into the Eggboss’s cybernetics, kill the inferior machines, ect), but none of these answers really mean anything. The personality of Mecha is a static type not an actual dynamic character and therefor no meaning can arise from his personal story (though such easily could be easily remedy in a second draft).  For the character to truly grow, there must be aspiration and flaws to be approved upon. If Mecha ceased  being a pedantic in-universe editor for official elements and was given a true sense of original conflict and empathic connection to the world around him, he could start to thrive and so would this story. 

 Overall,  Rise and Fall is a brave attempt at a first draft, posted by a brave writer who dared to be one of the very first to publish on this site. Hopefully what had been said here will be taken into a account from here onward. If so, this story will have much more promise

[ToaArcan]

I'm going to look at this with a general reaction of "OKay, yeah", and only address a few things that should be brought up.

1) The Final Egg Blaster is a canonical weapon, and I actually lowballed it here. In Sonic Battle's final story, Eggman demonstrates this weapon, mounted on what was like the fourth Death Egg in the games. After being defeated by Emerl, Eggman uses the weapon as a show of force, intending to break Emerl's link with Sonic and force him to form one with him instead. It actually snuffed out multiple stars, but I brought it down to level of one star, and game up with the "Inducing a supernova" part to justify something of that power. Tying to the base in SA1 was me spitballing about why the base and weapon would have the same name.

2) Most of the stuff with Mecha Sonic was intentional. He's an old AI, programmed by a madman, granted sentience by a huge rock fueled by Chaos. If he doesn't come across as the most "alive", that's because he's really not meant to be. Just as Neo Metal simultaneously claimed to be the original Sonic yet boasted his purpose as "Being created to destroy Sonic", there are parts of Mecha Sonic that are just quirks of how his AI has been warped by Chaos. His hypocrisy was also an intended thing, as I wanted to make it so that he is largely in the right about Eggman's failures, he's not a perfect being waltzing in and speechifying. He's an egotist with enough power to make himself invincible to those he's confronting, and he loves the sound of his own voice. He has a cruel streak a mile wide and his people skills are just as bad as his creator's. If you find yourself hating him... good! It worked. 

3) Reginald wasn't meant to be an important figure. He was my take on the "Tassel boy" thing from the more recent comics. He existed to be made an example of, but I wanted it to be done in a way that gave him a personality, rather than just using him as an awkward, uncomfortable punchline. Maybe you're used to fics that have unnecessary centralised OCs, but I prefer to keep everything centralised on the canonical protagonists and use OCs primarily as redshirts.

4) I wouldn't call Mecha Sonic a woman-beater. He's equal-opportunity evil. He's not interested in what's between someone's legs, he's interested in whether they are in his way or not. If they are, then he's going to go through them. What am I supposed to do, give him a female sidekick to have Designated Girl Fights with all the other female characters? By that same token, say I'm writing a fight scene with Sally in it. Can she only fight female characters and genderless robots? Do any male opponents just have to stand there and get beaten up because they're misogynist if they fight back? Mecha Sonic doesn't single out Thunderbolt for her gender, he attacks her because she attacks him first. 

5) Mecha Sonic's excuse for not crushing Thunderbolt amounts to her being much less solid than Orbot and Cubot. They're mostly made of solid metal, whereas Thunderbolt is primarily made of soft tissue and she would make more of a mess.

6) This story has no hero. I wasn't about to try and make either Mecha Sonic or Eggman into a more likeable figure just so people could root for someone.

[ByTor, Prince of Ro’den]

I for one want to thank you so much for putting your work up to be seen and for others to read as well as being the first person to post your art and for it to be critiqued. I also want you to not take criticisms the wrong way; we are wanting to help improve the quality of original works, not tear them down. And remember, this is the opinions of your peers; so you are free to listen to advice and except instruction or to ignore us and go about your merry way.

Anyway, as for this one the main strength was the descriptiveness and the flow, though in some areas the pacing could've been speed up or slowed down; the first paragraph in particular in my opinion is pointless and spoils any surprises for the reader as to the reveal of the attacker. Whilst there was some errors and typos I found nothing that really made the story difficult to understand or read. Character wise I found Mecha Sonic to be a little too overpowered and not showing any trials or tribulation; actually I got the feeling like Bruce Lee walking into a kindergarten and administering a beatdown of epic proportions. At some point I actually felt a little sorry for "Eggman" being bullied so bad, and especially I felt sorry for the others in the room; although I will say that I enjoyed reading "Cubot" and "Orbot" getting crunched, (I never liked those characters.) The final thing I have to mention is the diatribe at the end where Mecha monologues and postures, showing that he's not only the omnipotent godlike force, but also the intellectual godlike force as well. Again it's such a mismatch in power there is no suspense or conflict to keep the reader engaged; for all tense and purpose he defeated them with not even the snap of his fingers. There was many places where the characters could've had some real good development or perhaps Mecha having to break through some inner turmoil/have actual challenges. I feel that some of the original characters were short changed throughout; they were nothing more than inanimate objects for Mecha to play with; you could've easily just have him beating up on robots or stock Sega characters.

To be honest I didn't find it overall enjoyable reading because of the above-mentioned issues that I've pointed out. In essence the story feels like a short CGI cut scene at the beginning of one of Sega's more recent video games; a lot of action, running, trash talking, and very little else. In some way it's like how, to use something Ian Flynn once said, he would "wipe out" a group of characters in one or two panels using a nuke; in this case it's Eggman and all of the Egg Bosses and the nuke was Mecha Sonic. One piece of advise I'd really like you to take to heart is to not get too wrapped up in "official" cannon and see it as better than an original work; you're limiting your potential in the extreme by doing so.

Anyway, thanks again for the story.